


Better With You

by posingasme



Series: Next Time I Fall [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationships, F/M, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Raphael/Castiel, Recovery, ex-husband, ex-wife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:03:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9623342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: Insecurities don't just disappear overnight. And neither do memories of being controlled.





	1. Whispers in His Head

**Author's Note:**

> Continuation of Try Again.

Castiel awoke hoarse and gasping, eyes frantically searching the night for the ghosts that haunted him.

His husband hurried to take him into strong arms. “Cas? Angel, wake up. Are you all right?”

He blinked at Sam as he tried to reorient himself. “Sam?”

“I'm here, baby. You okay?”

The older man took a deep breath. “I'm sorry,” he muttered. “I don't mean to wake you. The kids are okay?”

Sam smiled at him fondly. “Of course. What about their papa?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I'm-I'm fine. I'm sorry I woke you. I know you have a long day coming.”

“So do you.”

“Yes, well, I'm not saving people's lives, just creating some floral arrangements.”

The arms held him tighter. “You saved my life with a floral arrangement once,” Sam reminded him with a kiss to the forehead.

“Shh,” he murmured. “Go back to sleep. I'm going to check on them.”

“You know they're fine.”

“Yes. But if I get up, you'll fall back to sleep, and I won't be keeping you awake.”

Sam rolled so that his husband landed on his chest. He held on tight. “Cas, you never told me what was wrong. Was it a dream? Do you remember it?”

A horrible deep voice sounded inside Castiel's mind. _He doesn't mind now. But you know he will tire of your foolishness, Castiel. I did._

Castiel flinched. “It's nothing. Just a dumb dream. Zombies.”

“And that's what you say when you're lying to me.”

“Zombies are scary. I dream about them all the time.”

Sam heaved a sigh. “Whenever Dean used to wake me with a nightmare as kids, when we shared a room, he always said it was howler monkeys.”

“Maybe it was. They're scary too.”

“Cas, I can't help you feel safe if you don't tell me why you don't.”

It was such a simple thing to say, such a Sam thing to say, and it meant the world to Castiel. He burrowed into the embrace. “I do. I promise I do. But I didn't always, and I can't help it if sometimes it comes back in the night.”

“What happened? Can you remember any of it?”

Castiel remembered all of it, because he had lived this nightmare. The dart his subconscious had thrown into his memory map had landed on his second anniversary this time. He closed his eyes, as if that could make it go away.

“Cas? You don't have to tell me. But I'd like to know.”

He laughed weakly. “You are so not Raphael,” he muttered into Sam's chest.

“I'm listening, baby.”

He felt Sam's large hand stroking his hair back, and something about that allowed his latent tears slip out. “We were married two years. I was...I was twenty-one. And I had planned our anniversary. God, Sam this was almost fifteen years ago.”

“It was a few minutes ago,” Sam corrected softly. “To your brain, there's no difference. You felt it just a moment ago. And to your mind and your heart, it was real.”

That validation poured over him in a wave, and he smiled his gratitude into Sam's skin. “Thank you. I always feel so stupid for still feeling...what he made me feel.”

“Cas, I don't want you to ever apologize for feeling anything. I married all of you. All your heart and mind, every memory and experience, it's all part of the man I married. The man I love. I want all of it.” He kissed the top of his head. “So tell me.”

He sighed. “I was a kid. And he was so beautiful, and so powerful. I wanted to do something for him no one else could do. He had so much money, I couldn't think of anything I could get for him to express…” He cringed as humiliation filled his stomach. “To express how grateful I was that he chose me.”

Sam's fingers through his hair kept him grounded. He was glad Sam was so tactile. It suited Castiel quite well, after so many years in a cold, lonely marriage, to have constant warm touch.

“And that's what it was. Always. Gratitude for having been chosen by this celestial thing. God, Sam, I didn't doubt for a moment back then...He was everything. I was so stupid.”

“No. You were young. You were in love. And you were manipulated by someone with power over you.”

Castiel sighed heavily. “I guess. I'm never going to not feel stupid thinking back on how I worshipped him. Especially not now that it's so different with you.”

“Second anniversary,” Sam prompted gently.

“I tried to surprise him.” He could feel the humiliation souring his stomach, and thought he might throw up. But he pressed forward. “I showed up at his office, to surprise him. Tickets to a Broadway show. I don't even remember what show. I just remember that anger on his face, in his eyes, when he saw me waiting outside his office when he came back from a meeting in the conference room.”

“Anger? Why?”

An anxious laugh bubbled out of his mouth. Just thinking of that wrathful stare made him want to begin apologizing. “Because I had dared show up at his office suite. Because I had caught him off-guard and someone might have seen him that way. Because how must it look to his subordinates and trade partners for him to not be in control of his own schedule? And his own husband. There was no one to see me, except his personal assistant, and yet I had embarrassed him.”

“Cas, you're shaking, baby.”

He laughed again. “I'm sorry. I should get up.”

But Sam held him with such gentle firmness that he couldn't make himself leave. “Don't be sorry. But it breaks my heart to feel you trembling. You're such a strong, capable man, Cas. You're such a good father and husband, a brilliant business-owner. How can that man have ever been embarrassed? I've never been anything but proud to be seen with you. I just don't understand.”

“I'm glad you don't,” Castiel murmured. “But is it so hard to see how different you and I are? You don't get why Raphael was embarrassed by-by me. I don't know how Jess could possibly miss her chance to adopt children with you. You're the daddy my children have always needed.”

Sam squeezed him until he was nearly breathless. “Thank you,” he rasped out. “You don't know...That just means so much to me. I love them, Cas. They're my kids. I think about it every day, how quickly I felt like their daddy, how quickly I fell in love with them. And I find myself worrying that you'll always think of them as just yours. I know Thérèse remembers Raphael, but she makes me so happy when she calls me Daddy. And Jack-Jack...I'll be the only husband he clearly remembers Papa having. He's my son, Cas. She's my girl. I would die for any of you. You know that, right? That I would do anything for you?”

Castiel smiled into Sam's chest. “I know you would.”

“Joshua said the best thing I could do for those kids was to love their Papa. Remember that?”

He nodded mutely.

“I love you, Castiel. And I'm so proud of my family. There will never be a time when I'm not grateful that we chose one another.”

How did he do it? Every time he was certain he loved Sam as much as humanly possible, he went and made Castiel fall deeper. He could hear Raphael trying to say something, sneering that Castiel was falling in love, but soon enough he would fall from grace, when Sam grew tired of his childish whining. But he squeezed his eyes closed and held tight to his current husband until his former one faded into memories where he belonged.

***


	2. Lichen

“Castiel, put that away.”

The man frowned down at his textbook. He had hoped to get another few chapters outlined before he heard those words. But he sighed and closed the book, and rubbed his eyes. 

“Look. You're wearing yourself out, and for what? I don't understand this silly insistence of yours that you need this degree. Why would you ever need it?”

He lowered his eyes. “I-I don't need it. But I want it. It's important to me.”

Raphael lifted an eyebrow, and began taking off his tie. “I don't understand, but you want it, and so I allow it. That doesn't mean you should use our time together in the evenings studying moss.”

“Lichen.” It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

Raphael’s dark gaze moved from the mirror to his husband slowly. “Excuse me?”

Castiel felt cold suddenly. He swallowed hard, and fought back a shiver. “It's-it's lichen. Moss is an-an autotrophic-”

“Castiel,” the deep voice growled in warning. 

He closed his mouth entirely. 

“I will get you this ridiculous degree. I will allow you to dabble. But don't think for a moment that I will tolerate you correcting me.”

The chill filled Castiel all over, as the low voice rumbled between them. “I'm sorry,” he murmured. “You're right. It doesn't matter. Here. Let me help you. Please.” He couldn't meet his husband's eyes but he reached for the suit jacket. 

Raphael watched him. “Your childish arrogance will tear us apart one day, Castiel.”

His heart began to race, as he helped him from his suit. “No, Raphael. Please. Let's forget it. I don't want anything to-to come between us. I'll be finished studying before you come home tomorrow. I promise.” He risked a glance up at the man’s eyes to see if he was regaining favor. “Raph, there is nothing I want to focus on right now except you. Will you let me help you relax? Can I get something for you? Do something for you?”

Then, like a balm, his husband's hand was on his cheek, a token of forgiveness and generosity Castiel knew he didn't deserve. “Isn't it better to spend our time in the evenings on one another? Without silly distractions?”

Relief came pouring out in a sigh. “Yeah. I've missed you all day.”

The benevolent smile was there now, easing Castiel's twisting stomach. “And I've missed you. Come lie with me and tell me about your little projects. Then you can help me sleep. I've got a long day tomorrow.”

*** 

“Cas?”

The man’s hand was stalled on the stem of the lily he had moved to cut. He was staring at it with a frown of concentration. 

Sam took a breath, and moved in, to put his own hand over the fingers which had stopped in their task. 

Castiel looked up with a startle. “Sam! I'm sorry. What?”

He lifted the fingers to kiss them, then placed them back where they were. “Are you all right?”

His husband's face began to pinken. “Yes, of course. I…” He looked at Sam for a long moment, then seemed to rush his next statement. “You asked a question.”

“I was just wondering if there's a difference between moss and lichen. The book I was reading mentioned Native American people's use of some types of lichen as a poison, some as a medicine, and some used it as food. Different kinds, I guess.” He shrugged. “It wasn't important. I just thought you might know.”

A slow smile came over Castiel. “I love you.”

Sam laughed. “Because I ask about lichen?”

For some reason, Castiel looked at him as though he adored him completely. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Because you're brilliant. Because you're so much smarter than I am, so much better educated, so much more important, and yet you ask me about lichen, because you thought I might know.” 

It hurt his chest when Castiel spoke this way. He shook his head. “Cas-”

“No, don't. I'm just…” He took another deep breath, turned back to his beloved lily and continued. “Lichens are fungi. And moss is an autotroph. Lichens need cyanobacteria or algae, or both. It's a composite organism.”

“Symbiotic,” Sam pressed. 

Castiel beamed at him. “Yes and not quite.”

Sam listened to the explanation, about nitrogen and hyphae, but he couldn't help wonder where Castiel went sometimes when he stared at nothing like that. 

That night, when he happily took his turn reading to the kids before bed, when he knew Castiel was standing right outside the door, leaning against the wall to listen, he spoke with the children very deliberately. “Is that a cool story about trees?”

They agreed that it was. 

“We have time for one more thing before I turn the lights out. Okay?”

Jack grinned. “Trains?”

His sister sighed. 

“Not this time. This time, I wanted to tell you something I learned today.”

Thérèse tilted her head in exactly the same way her Papa often did. “You learned? But you're already grown up.”

“I am,” Sam agreed, “but there's always more to learn. And it's fun. So I thought I'd tell you too. It's about things that grow, like these trees in the book, and little kids.”

“Big kids,” Thérèse corrected. 

He nodded. “Big kids. Do you want to hear?”

They did. 

“So there are these little tiny creatures, and they look a lot like plants, but they're different. Lichen. They're really special.”

“Like cherries?”

“Um, a little.” Sam laughed. “But what makes it special is that it's made of more than one thing. Two or more little beings have to work together to survive as lichen. Each part has a job to do so the whole thing can eat and grow. Sort of like a family. We all have different parts to play, different jobs to do so we can be a happy family. Right?” 

Thérèse nodded enthusiastically. But Jack looked thoughtful. “What's my job?”

Sam pulled him closer and snuggled him affectionately. “Your job is very big. You have to help us all laugh sometimes. And you have to help us listen. Because even the littlest people have important things to say.”

Jack seemed satisfied with this response. Thérèse watched him for a moment, then turned back to Sam. “Daddy? How did you learn it? About lichen families?”

“Your papa is one of the smartest people I ever met, and he likes learning things, so he knows a lot of very cool stuff. He taught me.”

She smiled. “He teaches me cool stuff sometimes too. He's the strongest and the smartest.”

Sam looked up at the doorway to find a handsome, tear-streaked face watching him. “Yes, he is. We are lucky to have him in our family.”

“Daddy? Papa teaches us, and Jack-Jack makes us laugh. And I'm very helpful. What's your job?”

Sam considered. “I think maybe my job is to tickle big kids.”

“No!” they squealed. 

“No? What about my job is to remind your papa why we love him?”

Thérèse nodded. “It's because he takes care of us.”

Sam kissed the top of her head. “Time for bed. Go on.”

Ten minutes after the last stalling tactic, Sam finally crept into his own bedroom. 

Castiel took off his reading glasses, and set them on the side table. “Hey, Daddy.”

“Whatcha reading, Papa?”

The blue eyes lowered to stare at his folded hands. “It's…”

“It's a textbook.”

He nodded. “I thought...I kept these hidden away for years because they annoyed Raphael. I think I might like to go through them again. If you think that would be all right.”

“Why would…” Sam sighed. “Cas-”

He frowned. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to add that.” He licked at his lips and finally met Sam's gaze. “I'm going to study my field the way I might have if I'd been able to years ago. I might even...I might even take another class or attend a conference again.”

Sam smiled at him, and sat on the bed beside him. “That's great, my love. Tell me how I can help.”

His husband watched him carefully. “I might decide to expand my specialization to be more practical to my business.”

“Okay.”

“I...I've studied a lot of breeding and horticulture on my own. But I might like to add a pathology degree.”

Sam's eyes lit with interest. “You're going to study plant diseases?”

Castiel shrugged shyly. 

“Cas, that's awesome! I might not know much about fungi, but I know disease. We can compare notes on surgery techniques.”

The man narrowed his eyes. “Um, Sam-”

“I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, that's great. If you want that, you should do it. We can talk more in the morning about logistics. I'm proud of you!”

A fearful light sparked in Castiel's eyes. “I don't know yet what I want. I never...Other than my greenhouse and shop, I never had a chance to think of what I want. Since I was nineteen, I accepted that anything I chose would just be a hobby. Dabbling. Even now, I almost feel like a kid playing at having a business. Like I work for Joshua instead of the other way around, and any minute, Raphael could walk in and tell me it's time to put away the childish things. Joshua says I work frantically some days, like I have to hurry through everything. I'm terrified I'm going to wake up and realize I'm supposed to be dressing for a dinner party at Raph’s side, and I haven't even prepared anything to talk about with other guests, and I'm going to embarrass him…”

Sam touched his cheek as his eyes closed. “Cas? I'm proud of you.”

“I'm terrified of you.”

“This is a symbiotic relationship, my love. You have to trust me. I trust you. I meant what I said to the kids. And I'm going to support any decision you make for yourself. And I'll help you if you like, but I'm not going to make any of those decisions for you.”

Castiel's face was reddening. 

“Babe? This family is a composite organism. We do things for the good of the whole. And there is no part of this family that doesn't benefit from you feeling professional pride and being challenged intellectually. You give us everything. Cas. You gave me those kids. I'll never stop being grateful for what you do and what you are. Please never say again that I'm more important. I can't...I just can't.”

A new tear dropped onto Castiel's textbook. “I'm sorry. I'm trying. It's just that I can hear his voice in my head, all the time. And even when I'm in the state of mind to tell him to shut up, I still feel so stupid for having listened to it for so long.”

Sam nodded. He soothed his husband's hair gently, and moved to kiss him. “Well, you're not stupid. And I don't want you to stop teaching me about what you know. And I think it would be good for Thérèse and Jack-Jack to see that Papa and Daddy enjoy learning, that it's a lifelong thing. It's important that they see how much we respect one another, and education. I don't think...Cas, I don't think they saw a lot of that with Raphael. It's important.”

“I don't want either of them thinking that what he and I had was normal,” his husband choked out hoarsely. “If I ever saw either of them in a relationship like that...I don't think I could live. I'd blame myself, and I don't think I could live.”

He waited. 

Castiel licked at his salty lips, and tried to smile. “Everyone should have a Sam. That's what I want for my babies one day. A Sam each.”

“We’ll raise them to be capable and confident, so that they know what to look for. And maybe they won't have to try again like we did. Maybe they'll do it right the first time around.”

“There's something to be said for falling and having to pick yourself up. Start over with nothing and survive. I don't wish it on anyone. Certainly not my babies. But I don't know if you and I would have been right for one another if we had started out together.”

Sam nodded soberly. “Especially since I was like ten or eleven when you were nineteen.”

The textbook crashed to the floor as Castiel grabbed him and wrestled him into the blankets, and tickled him mercilessly. 

“I surrender!” Sam yelped at last, with breathless giggles. 

Castiel lay back with satisfaction and mussed hair. “That's what you get.”

Sam laughed happily, and curled into his lover. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you. I'm apparently old, so you're going to have to do all the work tonight if you want anything.”

A grin told him that this would be no hardship for Sam.


	3. Brotherhood

“He doesn't know about the kids.”

Sam frowned “Wait. What?”

Castiel took a deep breath and tried to speak in a stronger voice. “My brother. He's never met the kids. We haven't seen one another for almost sixteen years now.”

His husband nodded slowly. “Why?”

His hands tightened over the steering wheel until his knuckles went white. He stared hard at the road ahead, as he made himself explain the rough road so far. “Because that's when I told him never to contact me again.”

Sam was quiet, and he knew the man was wondering what could possibly make him say such a thing to Dean. The two of them had been through hell together. They were inseparable. 

Just like Castiel and Jimmy had been once. 

***

Raphael's eyes were flashing dangerously, and it made Castiel's stomach twist. “How dare you?” he said in a low, venomous voice. 

Jimmy stood his ground. “You have cut him off from everyone he has ever known, everyone who loves him.”

“Jim, stop!”

The deep voice came from a snarl. “I give him everything. When I found him, he was working two jobs to put himself through school. What sort of life is that? With me, he's got no need for work, no need for school. Anything he wants, I give to him.”

Castiel's chest was beginning to ache. “Jim, please. You don't understand. You never have!” A sharp glance from his husband silenced him immediately. He lowered his gaze. With just a flick of his eyes, Raphael had informed him that this was between the older man and the threat to their marriage, and Castiel needed to stand back and let his husband handle it. 

“Perhaps it would be different if Castiel had married a woman,” Raphael accused. 

Jimmy frowned severely. “That's not true! I've always supported-”

“And perhaps your own financial troubles have caused you to insert yourself into Castiel's private life where you don't belong.”

Castiel looked up. Hurt tightened his chest, and he turned to stare at his brother to find proof that this was untrue. 

But Jimmy's face was red with fury. “My own finances are irrelevant. I'm talking about the way you control who he sees and when!”

Raphael began to smile. 

That was how Castiel knew that what Raphael was saying was true. Raphael smiled like that when he was confident of his position in an argument. Castiel's heart fell. 

The older man took on a sympathetic look. He shook his head. “Castiel, please give me a moment with your brother.”

He stumbled to his feet and gave Jimmy one last hurt look, then left to stand in the hall. He leaned against the brown wall and listened while tears filled his eyes. 

“What are you-”

“I can see that you are desperate, and you should know that I would never turn away anyone my husband cares for. How much do you need?”

Jimmy began to sputter. “This-this isn't about-I don't need-”

“You're embarrassed, and I understand. But you should understand this. I will not allow your jealousy to come between my husband and me. You and Castiel were close as children, and he has fond memories of you. But he has done enough. You, James, are what is referred to as a parasitic twin.”

Castiel's eyes closed tightly. 

“You arrogant, delusional-”

“You may lash out at me all you like. But it is my duty to protect my husband, and I will not allow you to take advantage of his good heart and naïvety simply because you always have. Things are different now that he has me to protect him. You have used him your whole lives, and yet he blinds himself to the truth. You and I both know that his faith in you is misplaced. So I'll tell you what we will do.”

Castiel heard a paper tear, and he flinched with the sound. 

“This is ten thousand dollars. Use it to settle whatever situation you've gotten yourself into. I think you'll agree that's more than generous. And I hope you will no longer feel that putting a wedge between my husband and me is to your benefit. You don't approve of his preference for men. You don't like me in particular. I accept these things. But I would ask that you not allow your jealousy of his financial comfort to cause you to be spiteful.”

“You're writing me a check for ten grand, to what? To let you control my brother in peace?”

“I have written you a check to help you. I'm also telling you I will not tolerate you feeding upon my husband’s naïvety and his trusting nature.”

“I suppose you'll tell him he can't be around me anymore!”

Raphael snorted. “Castiel may do as he likes. But should he choose to cut a parasite from his life, I will give that my full support.”

***

“I was angry. I felt betrayed. So I called him one last time that night, and told him I never wanted to see him again. I ignored his calls. Two weeks later, Raph told me the check had been cashed, and I swore to myself I would never speak to him again. Cashing the check was all the proof I needed that everything Raphael had said was true. Even now. After all this time, it feels like he let me down, used me. I was so convinced for so long that I still have that sitting in my gut.”

Sam's hand rested on his thigh. “Cas, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.”

“No. You can't. I was a horrible person back then. Stupid and horrible. I'm glad you didn't know me then.” He took a shuddered breath. “God, I'm going to throw up. Why would he even contact me after all this time? Why would he want to see me again?” 

“Turn left up here,” Sam interjected quietly. 

“Please thank Lisa and Dean again for watching the kids. I just can't…”

“It's okay. I know. Cas, you're going to get through this, okay?”

By the time he had pulled into the drive of a warm, suburban neighborhood, Castiel was breathing shallowly. He got out of the car, and leaned on it heavily. 

“Babe? Angel, you can do this.”

“Why would he want to see me?” he wondered hoarsely. 

Sam reached out to take his hand, and led him to the front door. When it became obvious to him that Castiel was not going to be able to ring the bell, Sam did it for him. 

An eternity later, a woman opened the door with a questioning smile. Then she let her mouth drop. “Oh my god. You're Cas!”

He tried to take a breath. “Yes, ma’am. I'm here to see Jimmy. Jim. I-I don't even know what he goes by anymore.” Miserable shame heated his face. “He contacted me, left me a message with-with just his address, and that he would be home all this weekend, but he called my business, and didn't leave a number, and-and I didn't know if maybe he was in some trouble or needed something or…”

The woman was smiling and shaking her head. “You're Cas,” she said again. “Well, he's not looking for a kidney, so you can relax. I'm Amelia. Jimmy's wife.”

Castiel felt cold all over. He nodded stupidly. Of course that was his wife. Why would a woman answer the door if she didn't live there? He realized then that he had assumed the worst without consciously thinking it. He smiled shakily. “Good to know he doesn't need a home nurse,” he mumbled. “So he's all right?”

“He's great.” Amelia reached out her hand finally. Castiel dropped Sam's to take hers. “I'm so glad you came, Cas. Please come in.” She led them into the house, then turned on them to clarify. “This...is not Raphael?”

Castiel lowered his eyes. “No, ma’am. This is my husband Sam. He's…” He laughed in a shaky voice. “He's a vast improvement over the old model.”

Sam chuckled. “Thanks, babe.”

Amelia nodded, but did not respond. “Jim!” she called up a set of stairs. “Jimmy, you have a guest!”

Castiel looked up at Sam and cringed. “Guest,” he murmured. “We shared a womb.”

Sam took his hand again, and squeezed it. 

When he heard the footsteps, his heart leapt into his throat. He was frozen in place as a man still strangely identical after all these years stepped lightly down the stairs. His lips parted in shock halfway down, but it took another few seconds before words came from them. “Cas,” he breathed. “You came!”

He was squeezing Sam's hand too tightly, but he managed to smile. “I'll always come when you call. No matter what happened before. From now on, I'll always be there if you need me.”

Tears welled in Jimmy's blue eyes, and he leapt forward to embrace his brother. “God, I missed you! I worry about you all the time. God, Cas!”

The shame dripped from his voice. “I don't want you to worry about me, Jimmy.”

His brother stepped back, and shook his head. “Don't say that. You told me once that you weren't my problem anymore, and it broke my heart. A thousand other ways you could have said that, but that? You may as well have ripped my heart out. You were never my problem, Cas. You were my brother. My only family. And to hear that man…” He took a deep breath and seemed to realize there was an enormous, quiet shadow behind Castiel. “Who is that?”

Sam cleared his throat. “It's good to meet you, Jim. I'm Sam Winchester. Cas and I were married about eight months back. Second try for each of us.”

Jimmy stared hard into Sam's eyes. “Were you also married to a controlling, manipulative man who treated you like chattel?”

Castiel stiffened. 

But Sam shook his head, and smiled pleasantly. “No. I was married to a brilliant, lovely lawyer, with whom I've remained friends, and who enjoys taking my husband out for beer to gossip. She set us up, in fact.”

Amelia put her hand on Jimmy's arm. “Sweetheart, if you're going to begin attacking folks I've never met before, including at least two who aren't even present, let's at least move to the living room like decent people,” she suggested. 

When they were seated awkwardly on couches across from one another, Castiel turned to his brother. “Jimmy, why did you call me?”

The man sighed. He looked at his wife briefly, then back at Castiel. “There have been some things recently…” He rubbed his hands on his jeans. “I can't stop thinking of you. Of the fact that, for so long, you and I were all we had.”

Amelia patted her husband's hand, then stood and slipped out of the room without a word. 

Castiel watched her go, then shrugged at Jimmy. “We haven't spoken since we were kids, James. Barely twenty.”

“But for twenty years, we were everything to each other. You...you took care of me. You know you did.”

“Maybe. But you seem to be fine without me. So why now?”

“Cas...I'm sorry about what happened between us.”

Castiel's heart was pounding. “I know you were angry…”

Blue eyes looked up to stare at him. “Angry? Cas, your husband paid me to let him abuse you without getting in his way.”

He flinched. “Raphael was...It was my fault things got out of hand. And anyway, you left. When it came down to it, you took the cash, and you left. For-for fifteen years.” He could feel Sam's arm tightening around his shoulders, adding his strength. 

Jimmy shook his head. “Cas, what was I supposed to do? He had you wrapped so tight that you couldn't breathe without making sure it was okay with him first! You told me to go, and I didn't know what to do. And I was pissed. And then this week, I found out you had gotten remarried, and I hadn't even known you and Raphael weren't together anymore, and...What happened?”

Castiel sighed. “My children happened,” he said quietly. “Raph and I adopted two infants, and I didn't want them in that situation.”

His brother blinked at him. “Children? You have kids?”

“Two. Thérèse and Jack. They're staying with their new uncle and aunt this weekend.”

“Uncle,” Jimmy murmured. “I'm an uncle.”

“Yes. Thérèse is nearly five, and Jack will be three in two weeks.”

“And-and Raphael just let you go?”

“Not exactly. Initially, he left me. I was…” Castiel smiled weakly. “I was becoming too outspoken and disagreeable.”

Jimmy's eyes narrowed sharply. “You mean you were sometimes standing up for yourself.”

Castiel cringed. “Honestly? No. I was standing up for my kids. And he finally got exasperated with his unruly husband, and left me.”

“Good,” Jimmy snapped. 

His brother stared at him. “Good? Good that I was left with nothing, with no work experience, no way to provide for my children? Good that I had been treated as a child myself for my entire adult life, then had to find a way to become the head of my little family? Good? Raphael didn't leave me because I was too much trouble. Raphael left me so that I would fail and come crawling back to him.” Angry tears washed over his face. “He left me with nothing. He left my children with nothing. We lived in a motel for the first several months. Good? My children…” His voice failed him then, and he continued without it. “My children were used as pawns in his game. Don't tell me…” At last, he gave up, and dropped his head into his hands. 

Sam leaned in and whispered to him gently. “It's all right, angel. We can leave anytime you want. You don't have to do all of this in one day. Okay? I’ll get more contact information from them, and when you're ready…”

He heard Sam's voice fade off, and he forced himself to look up, to follow his husband's gaze. His chest tightened immediately. 

Amelia had returned, and she was carrying a tiny bundle in her arms. 

Jimmy sighed. “Cas, this is Claire. She's a month old today. And this is why I couldn't stop thinking of family. I want her to have an uncle Cas. And...and I'm sorry. For everything. For what you and your kids went through. I'm so sorry. I wish you had come to me then.”

Castiel stared at the infant, and shook his head. “I didn't know how to find you. And I didn't think you…”

“What? That we were still brothers? We will always be brothers, Cas. And I want to know your kids. I want to get to know your husband. I want you to know Amelia and Claire. Please. We can fight about the past all you want. But at least we'll be speaking to one another.”

Amelia lowered the baby to show Cas, and he looked up at the mother with pleading in his eyes. “May I hold her?”

She brightened, and lay the little bundle in his arms. “She just woke from a nap, and had a change. I fed her, so be careful.”

“I will. I know.” Castiel's heart was bursting. It was too much. All of this was too much. But looking down at this curious little girl, feeling her warmth and hearing her tiny noises...It made his anxieties melt away. “Claire,” he murmured. “Claire Novak. You have cousins. Big cousins.”

“Jack will love knowing he's the big cousin,” Sam chuckled softly. 

“He will.” He couldn't take his eyes from the baby. “You are beautiful, Claire. Clearly you take after your mother.”

Jimmy snorted. “Clearly.”

Sam was speaking, but not to him, and he only half-listened. “Putting a baby in his arms, that's almost unfair,” he scolded. 

“I tried to put a plane ticket in his hands all those years ago. But he's stubborn. He loved that bastard so much. Too much heart. That was always Cassie's problem. He falls in love too easily and too hard. How long were you together before he was a lost cause?”

“I asked him to marry me a few weeks in.”

Jimmy nodded. “With Raphael? They met, and it was over. I guess you know we were raised in foster care, that we had no home and no family. And Cas might have been adopted a hundred times, but his parasitic twin was a delinquent, and no one wanted to deal with me.”

Castiel's eyes raised at last. “Don't ever say that again. Parasitic...That's what Raphael called you. Don't. You were never a problem. You were my brother.” 

Jimmy's eyes were soft, and there was the old hero worship in his eyes from their childhood. “He will never see the faults of those he loves,” he said to Sam. “And I love him for it. And people use him because of it. And I'm stuck between knowing he's the smartest, most capable man I've ever known, the one who took care of me our whole lives, and also knowing he's entirely too trusting, and is going to get his heart stomped on.”

“James?” Castiel said softly. “Do you remember the way you used to draw? Our whole lives. You made these amazing, epic drawings. Angels warring in the battlefields of heaven?”

His brother laughed. “You know, that's what I do now. I sold ad space for years, but now I make enough on commissions for my artwork that we can live on it. I do book covers and stuff too.”

Castiel smiled down at Claire, and he knew he was already completely in love with his little niece. “Your daddy is an incredible artist, sweetheart. But you are the most beautiful thing he ever created. I'm so glad to meet you, and I can't wait for you to meet my little ones.”

Jimmy sighed happily, and sat back against the couch with relief.


	4. Everyone With Whom They Deserve

Sam's headache was self-inflicted, but knowing that didn't make it hurt less. He had worked a long shift, then had taken Kevin out to celebrate, and now he should be sleeping, but he couldn't.

He wished Castiel wouldn't give him that look of sympathy. “It's fine. It's good. I'm happy for him,” he growled yet again.

“Of course you are. That doesn't mean you aren't hurt by the whole thing. And, Sam, I get it. Okay? If I were the jealous, pouty type, I'd have said something passive aggressive by now. Like why do you care about what goes on in their marriage, when you've got a perfectly high-maintenance husband to spend your energy on instead?”

Sam smiled wearily. “You're not high-maintenance.”

“Good. That's exactly what you should say to your passive aggressive, high-maintenance husband. Then I say, you're just saying that.”

He snickered. “No, I mean it. You're not high-maintenance.”

“And then I say that if you meant that, you wouldn't care what was going on with your ex-wife and best friend. They would be irrelevant. Then you'd be so busy trying to convince me that I'm wonderful that you would forget all about Kevin and Jess.”

“Is that how it goes?”

Castiel shrugged. “That's if I were the jealous, pouty type. But instead, I understand why this still hurts even though you're happy in your family.”

Gratitude warmed his smile now. “Thank you. I don't want to make it seem like I still wish it were me. I'm happier with you and our kids than I've ever been in my life. And I really am happy for them. But…”

“But it still hurts.” Castiel kissed his cheek. “I know.”

And just like that, Sam's headache was reduced in intensity by half. He sighed with relief. “How do you do that?”

“What?”

“Make me feel better in just a few words?”

Blue eyes narrowed. “The kiss helped too, though, right?”

Sam laughed at last. “Yeah.”

“Good. I've been working on technique. See, I dip my head a little to the side, and that seems to give me optimal-” He was cut off by a grinning kiss to the lips. “What? You don't want to hear about the science behind my strategies?” he demanded when Sam released him.

His husband kissed the tip of his nose gently. “I love you.”

“Your phone is ringing.”

“I don't care.”

Castiel smirked. “Yes, you do. It's Dean.”

“Still don't care.”

“Sam,” he laughed.

He sighed and picked it up, and put the phone on speaker so he could hold his head in both hands. “Yeah? What?”

“Hello to you too, little brother!”

“If you're going to be cheerful, I'm hanging up now.”

“Wait. That answers my question as to whether you're sulking.”

Sam frowned. “I'm not sulking.”

Castiel glanced up from his book. “He is a little bit,” he called to his brother-in-law.

“Very helpful, angel, thanks.”

“You bet.”

Dean laughed brightly, and it hurt Sam's head. “Well, I got your text that Kevin and Jess are pregnant-”

“I believe only Jess is pregnant,” Castiel interjected. “But I'm not the doctor here.”

Sam shot him a glare.

“So,” Dean continued, “I figured you could use some good news.”

“I think I've had all the good news I can handle for the day. Thanks, though.”

Castiel was back to reading his book, but he reached out to squeeze his husband's hand.

“Kids in bed?”

“Hours ago.” Sam frowned at the clock. “Hey, why are you calling so late?”

“I told you. I got news.”

“At eleven o’clock?”

“That's when the networks give the news, Sam,” Castiel informed him, as he flipped his page. “We’re just usually too tired to watch.”

“Would you two shut up? Yeah. It's late. I just got home from a nine hour long negotiation. We had to order both lunch and dinner to the conference room. My first time having to do that.”

Sam's face softened. “Yeah? Must have gone well! I'm proud of you, man!”

“Damn right it went well. Michael said the deal was dead till I walked in. Bobby said he's going to put me on all the flat deals. I can't screw up deals that have already lost momentum, but if I can save a few of them here and there, it's worth it to try.”

He smiled. “My brother the business shark. Dad would've been proud too.”

“Not a shark. I just listen to what the client wants and figure out a way to make us the best choice to give it to them. Point is, this marathon closing deal? Ended with me stealing a major account from Sandalphon.”

Castiel stiffened beside him. “That's…”

“Specifically from a guy named Zaffre. Real arrogant son of a bitch, according to the client. And I just hired a guy twenty minutes later. I met him at that conference I went to for Bobby, and he took my number when I told him we might be adding on to the team. He called me as soon as the deal was final, said the client cut ties with Sandalphon before the ink was even dry on our contract, and Zaffre went ballistic on his team. This guy says he finally had to walk out, so if I wanted him, he was all ours.”

Castiel's breath was shallow, and Sam watched him. “You stole a major client, then poached a top account manager?”

“Not bad for a night’s work.”

“Raphael is going to have a cardiac,” he sighed.

“Let him. This guy, Gabriel, he's had enough. He don't belong working for a guy like that. I like the dude’s style. And he will probably annoy Michael, which will make me happy.”

Sam snickered. “Say hey to Mike and Bobby for me, by the way. And I'm glad you're getting more involved with the business.”

“Yeah. I know Dad didn't think I...Anyway, I like what I'm doing. And it beats the hell out of doing nothing. I'm happy, Sammy.”

He closed his eyes, and smiled. “I'm glad, big brother. Get some rest. I'll take you out for drinks in a few days, and you can tell me the whole story.”

“Sounds good. Cas, you there? I'm going to create a whole department just dedicated to stealing clients from Sandalphon, and scooping up the burned out managers Zaffre pisses off. It'll be fun.”

Castiel had a strange smile on his face. “I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors, Winchester,” he laughed.

“Thanks, man. Look out for my little brother, will you?”

Sam scowled. “Goodnight, jerk.”

“Night, bitch.”

He hung up, then glanced at his husband. “You okay?”

Castiel smiled shakily. “I'm good. I'm...picturing how livid Raphael must be right now. Especially if he knows who the guy is who stole his client and his account manager. You know. My brother-in-law.”

Sam nodded, and lowered his gaze. “It's strange the way people in our lives have become interconnected. My wife became your friend just before she married mine. Your husband's new business rival is my brother.”

The older man cleared his throat, then laughed a little. “But I think the truly disturbing one is Balt.”

A snort was Sam's response.

Untangling the thread that ran from Dean's first wife to Castiel's old college friend had been surreal. Castiel had stared in disbelief as he heard testimony that implicated Balthazar in the scheme to con Dean Winchester out of a fortune. Bela, as the Winchesters knew her, had met him after he had caught her trying a similar gambit with the ambassador to Spain. Instead of alerting authorities or the ambassador himself to the game, Balthazar had confronted Bela personally. They were each smitten immediately.

“It must have been right after I cut ties with him after a trip to Spain,” Castiel murmured.

Dean shook his head. “This is unbelievable. I can't believe you know the only real husband my ex-wife ever had.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “And the most I ever knew was that he enjoyed playing pranks, and could lie well. I wouldn't have imagined him running cons in a million years.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Lee said the reason she was back in town was that she needed money to pay back your ex-brother-in-law. Lucien and Lilith?”

Dean groaned. “Too many Zaffres, Cas! I don't even know who's on first or what's on second.”

“There are at least three too many,” Castiel confirmed sadly. “I hope I'm not one of those.”

Green eyes softened. “No. No, you're a Winchester. Don't care what your name is, was or whatever. You're family. Don't forget it.”

Sam had watched as Castiel beamed gratefully at his big brother. “Yes, Dean.” Then he cringed a little. “Owing money to Lucien and Lilith...Prison is probably safer. I don't know much about what they do, but I wouldn't want them doing it to anyone I know. Balt isn't the guy I used to know, but I wouldn't wish those two on him.”

They had left the courthouse exhausted and confused, and headed immediately into a bar to sort things out among them. Lisa had taken Ben home, and rolled her eyes as she kissed Dean. “You sure do have strange taste in women,” she teased.

“I have great taste in women,” he corrected. “I have shitty judgement about criminals. Ben, take notes, okay? Maybe you'll be able to figure out that a girl lies for a living, before she shoots your kid brother in the arm.”

Ben had smirked. “I don't have a brother. But I'll keep it in mind.”

“Do you think that's true?”

Sam and Dean turned to look at Castiel as the others walked away. “What?”

Castiel stared after them. “Dean, I like Lisa very much. And Ben, of course. They're both so sweet to my kids, and they are genuine in everything they do. And Bela is a bitch. Turns out, my best friend back in college is too. And Raphael...Are we poor judges of character who simply got lucky this time around?”

Sam watched Dean's face curiously.

The man took a deep breath and sighed it out. “I don't know, man. But we did get lucky, didn't we?”

Now, months later, Castiel sighed and took Sam's hands. “Dean and I got very lucky. I guess it's all worked out. Everyone is with the one who complements them. Jess and Kevin. Balthazar and Bela. Even Lilith and Lucien. And Raphael is with himself, the only person he's ever truly loved. Dean and Lisa are wonderful together. And you and me.”

Sam felt a warmth filling him. “You and me what?” he pressed.

His husband kissed his lips gently. “You and me. It's just better with you. And...and my kids and I...We’ve deserved better for a really long time.”

It made his heart ache with pleasure to hear it. “Thank you, my love. Thank you.”

“For?”

“For knowing you deserve better, and believing that's me.”

“It's you,” Castiel confirmed. “Without a doubt, it's you.”


End file.
